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On the Freedom of Creativity For a long time now my friends and colleagues have encouraged me to write more. Finally, this past summer I launched into a book project and am now working on another. They should be published successively the next couple of summers. I regret, however, to say it has been one of the more disappointing experiences of my life. My editor, a nice and capable person, has all but convinced me that I have little to say and write even worse. I have become painfully aware of mechanics and am losing my sense of ease and flow with words. As I have tried to pull out of my ambivalent despair over it I have remembered an experience from my childhood.
When I was about ten my grandfather gave me a junior set of golf clubs. He took my cousin and I to a golf pro at a public "Jay Cees" golf course (i.e. goat ranch) to get us started. The pro dumped out what seemed like a thousand golf balls and said, "Go at it." The wise old instructor carefully observed us for a long time before ever saying a word. My swing fell into a really strong groove. I was gaining confidence by the shot it seemed, just by having him watch. Every ten shots or so, he would offer advice, make a slight correction but always with an affirming spirit. We returned three or four more times that summer for lessons. My junior golfing career was off and running. I won three tournaments that first summer and developed a deep love for the game.
Seeing my natural "potential," the next summer, my grandfather took me to a different pro. This guy was much younger, worked at a prestigious country club, and had a reputation for being on the cutting edge of the game. From the first shot, this pro began to systematically dismantle my golf swing, deconstructing my natural rhythms and micro-managing every square inch of my game. Whereas before there was an unconscious simplicity about my swing, I became painfully conscious of my every move. I went from hitting a natural draw to a cutting slice and nothing could correct it. It has taken me years to regain confidence in my golf swing in a measure restoring my joy and love of the game.
I am trying to learn. I do believe editorial instruction and correction are imperative-- no way to improve without it. But in an artistic process, encouragement and affirmation are also imperative. And at the end of the day, the clay is the clay. In other words, I am me and I bring what I bring to the potters wheel. Please pray for a restoration of my confidence and an ensuing humility that empowers me to create beauty with words again.
Labels: theology
posted by John David Walt | at 12/14/2004 07:07:00 AM
Today...
5 Comments:
JD,
A writer writes.
You told me that last year. You have done that. In all honesty, to hell with what some make think.
And for what it is worth:
Brian McLaren told me I needed to write a book. I told him that I needed you to show me how. I have every sermon and writing you have every shown me since I've known you. Why? Not because I am trying to kiss butt, but because you are the first person I have ever known who has helped me find my voice as a writer. My only regret is that I have not been the good steward I should have been with it.
You not only have something to say, the way in which you say it is unlike any voice I have ever heard. You give Bono a run for his money.
I have studied Hemmingway, Faulkner and Yeats to name a few. And I have been ministered to by Giglio, Dunnam, and Seamands to name a few.
You are my biggest hero in the faith. You do have much to say and are gifted in the ways in which you write it. Don't ever ever ever let an editor dictate to you what the Father has gifted you with.
You are a writer. Write.
JD,
One of my favorite books is Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird." In this book, Atticus (the father) tells his children something like, "you can't fully understand a person until you climb into his skin and walk around for awhile." I don't have a full glimpse into your inner world, that's for sure. But that said, I think I understand just a glimmer of what you're experiencing.
I am a writer at heart--and over the course of the last several years, I've worked on short stories, poems, songs, a play, the embryonic stages of a would-be novel, and various other scraps and bits in my journal. The odd thing is that SO few people have read any of my "stuff." Something in me resonates with your story of the overzealous, joy-killing young golf pro. I think that's probably what I fear--laying my soul bare through my creative work, only to be shaken by evaluation and criticism even thought I know this is vital for improvement and growth.
The blogging kick here at ATS has given me a new vigor--Jeana wrote something on her blog a few weeks ago that helped me capture this. The challenge for me has been something like this. "Don't wait for a perfectly formed, divinely inspired idea. Write out of the rumination of your heart and the voice of your soul."
You have such a magical way with words, and people need to hear (and read) your perspective. I am still captivated by the images you've cast--"skidoo-ing into the story of God" still is so vivid for me. I wish I knew the magic words to restore your confidence and revive your muse. I guess the editor is thinking in terms of marketing trends, public appeal, and dollar signs. But the language and imagery of the kingdom is more organic, vivid, and incarnational--and this kingdom imagery sounds through your voice and flows from your pen. Keep allowing yourself to embody this voice--we need it.
JD,
One of my favorite books is Harper Lee's "To Kill a Mockingbird." In this book, Atticus (the father) tells his children something like, "you can't fully understand a person until you climb into his skin and walk around for awhile." I don't have a full glimpse into your inner world, that's for sure. But that said, I think I understand just a glimmer of what you're experiencing.
I am a writer at heart--and over the course of the last several years, I've worked on short stories, poems, songs, a play, the embryonic stages of a would-be novel, and various other scraps and bits in my journal. The odd thing is that SO few people have read any of my "stuff." Something in me resonates with your story of the overzealous, joy-killing young golf pro. I think that's probably what I fear--laying my soul bare through my creative work, only to be shaken by evaluation and criticism even thought I know this is vital for improvement and growth.
The blogging kick here at ATS has given me a new vigor--Jeana wrote something on her blog a few weeks ago that helped me capture this. The challenge for me has been something like this. "Don't wait for a perfectly formed, divinely inspired idea. Write out of the rumination of your heart and the voice of your soul."
You have such a magical way with words, and people need to hear (and read) your perspective. I am still captivated by the images you've cast--"skidoo-ing into the story of God" still is so vivid for me. I wish I knew the magic words to restore your confidence and revive your muse. I guess the editor is thinking in terms of marketing trends, public appeal, and dollar signs. But the language and imagery of the kingdom is more organic, vivid, and incarnational--and this kingdom imagery sounds through your voice and flows from your pen. Keep allowing yourself to embody this voice--we need it.
Sorry for the blogspam. Not sure how, but I ended up sending that last one twice. Hmmm.
JD,
Over the summer I presented four poems for publication. All of which were rejected. Sadly, I don't know why. I didn't rank high enough on the totem pole to elicit any advice or counsel. Be thankful for the difficulties and be thankful for someone willing to come along side you to help you "sing your story". You already have a voice, your editors job is to help you sing out clearer, in way that everyone can hear. It's exhausting, and painful, and there will come moments when you resent the entire process, (moments like now), but when its done there will be a book out there with your thoughts, and your experiences. A living breathing embodiment of what God can do, what creativity he can inspire, if only we are willing to follow.
It's an awesome task JD, that is beyond your disappointment and fear. The pain is part of the process and so I charge you to adopt an attitude of thanksgiving even in the midst of it. For the remarkable truth of it is that when it is finished, God will have done something beautiful.
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